Loneliness.......BPD

Ok, so at the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment, either real or imagined. This goes along with my last post pretty well, because there are things that I will do that even though they go against what is best for me, if it stops me from being alone, I will go forward with it. I have harmed myself and my daughter with this thinking, and I think I feel a little better about it, knowing that I cannot completely help it.

At this time of year, it is a little more obvious to me than any other time of the year. For the first time in 15 years, I am experiencing the holiday season with no one in my "love life." Coming from a small family this is really taking a toll on me this year. Where will I go for Christmas, will I be eating microwaved Chicken Nuggets? I have always relied on my significant other and their extended families to keep me "warm" during the festive season.

So it may seem trivial to you the reader, but for someone that is dealing with BPD, it is very nerve racking. Hell, even thinking about New Year's Eve and all of my bar friends(my only friends) getting together with their dates, it looks like I will be the stag party goer....crap that starts another chain of emotions...I will STAND out. I don't want to be singled out for being different, now this emotion is running over me, it is not very comfortable right now, I think I need to change the subject before it ruins my day. crap crap crap.....

Ok back to the topic....I know I have said it before, and I apologize for repeating it, but it is on the forefront and I cannot stop thinking about it. I miss the soft touch of a womant that loves me. Sure I have had my share of "Ms. Right Now", as I am sure you readers have had the same, perhaps "Mr. Right Now"...but it isn't the same. When you wake up in the morning, and you know that someone will be waking up thinking about you, someone to send little texts messages, just because.....Going out of your way to do little things to return the feeling to your partner. Simple tasks, as an email, a text, or a stop by during the lunch break. Then at the end of the day, as you wind down, you finish your day with a great conversation with your partner, and lay into your bed smiling, because of the warmth that other person can provide...the happiness.

Maybe this is a bit pathetic of me, whining about being alone, without a girlfriend? Am I fourteen years old, and the only one without a date to the Homecoming dance? No, I am a grown man, who is trying ever so hard to deal with the uncertain feelings that I fight with every day of my life. Oh well....time to go back and wrestle with my mind today....

I hope you all have a great day and week...I know I am trying to as well...

Insecurity....or perhaps just me

So it was brought up about insecurity and how I probably live with it. I am not going to go deep into this subject, because frankly, my most insecure time of my life is behind me, and I do not wish to rehash so many memories- both good and bad at this time.

I was raised without knowing my father- yes, go figure, all the doctors say that can be a good reason for an adult having problems with insecurity. Hum bug I say...I was raised in a good home, and have never missed him at all. Hard to miss someone you never knew.

I have always trusted people, until you do me wrong. At that point, I have a very very difficult time forgiving or forgetting. I usually see myself stewing about what was done. It is horrible....I wish I could forget so much easier about being done wrong.

As far as relationships go, I have told myself once I am cheated on, I would walk away, but my fear of being alone usually takes over and I give in. Always letting the cheating factor be a point of argument. Usually so much so that it gets in the way of the relationship itself.

This past 3 months I have learned how to live by myself- not having that "significant other" in my life to lean onto. While I have learned about myself, I still do not feel whole at the end of the day. I still get lonely at times....Enough about this though, lets move on with the day....

I will have another post coming up, probably later today about the last week of my life and the issues that have come from them....