Guilt....it is a feeling that takes over your very existence. Guilt becomes anger, which becomes rage, and then you slip away into depression. It is HORRIBLE.
I feel guilty because I chose my last ex-gf and her son, over my daughter. In every aspect my daughter came second. The house- gone. The quality time- cannot be made up. I walked out and left her high and dry. My only saving grace is she is young enough, where I can make up to her. I do not regret the divorce, it needed to happen. It was needed to ensure my daughter can grow up with two happy parents, living seperately rather than unhappy and living together. Even my ex-wife agrees to this. The way that you go around things, speaks volumes about you. I was a selfish arrogant prick. I can admit that.
I wish I was not so blind. I wish I did not let a woman manipulate me, I will never forgive myself for my actions and putting my daughter second to her. I was more of a father for my ex-gf's son, than I was for my own flesh. Sad.....
So guilt turns to anger...it boils up and consumes you, you sit there questioning everything, mostly to yourself. This builds up and enter the rage. Rage is more outwardly......a funny look, a comment taken out of context, a simple thing just taken wrong. Ideas flowing in your head, nonstop, you cannot sleep, you cannot catch your breath. One day you wake up, the rage is mostly gone, replaced by depression. You don't care, you feel empty. You question your own existance.
Drinking is helping me with these....am I hiding behind booze? Possible, but for the moment, I do not have to feel so many different emotions at once. I can break them up and live outside of my reality, even if only for a brief drunken night. Cannot be the answer can it? No answers are not found in the bottom of a bottle, they are found because you face the truths. The are found because you are forced to confront the hard questions, and the brutal honesty, no matter how it can make you feel.
Perhaps the borderline diagnosis was correct, sure sounds like it. I have taken the online tests, and always get 100% for possible borderline......yet, I still try to live without the medications....because I am too weak? too scare? I am not sure, what my reasoning is.....perhaps I just want to be able to have a good time, and I felt too numb on the pills.....Probably the closest truth I have.....for now.......
I don't know if I will post more tonight or not...you go 3 months without posting and when you come back, you have so many built up thoughts, and emotions that you know you need to express it......somehow....my book of writings, only goes so far....I find myself rereading everything I have put in there, and then I relive the feelings...the emotions, the good and the bad....so lets see where this goes for now.......lets just keep taking this one day at a time.....
Showing posts with label rage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rage. Show all posts
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
A new 2009
Yesterday I called for a new appointment with a new doctor. Oh how I hope he can bring some normalcy to my life. Oh how I hope he can help me overcome this rage, this anger, this depression, this general feeling that I have. I want to live my life. I want to be happy. I want so much, that I am prevented from having right now.
Borderline Personality Disorder? That sounds like me. The rage being one of the most important factors. Treatment? Same crap they have been doing, only using Haldol for the extremely bad cases of rage or anxiety that come on. Wow, that is what they give crazy people. Wow, maybe that is what I need.
Next week, I meet the new doctor. Next week, maybe I can start a new life..... Always next week, next time, next month......Tired of the next's.....
Borderline Personality Disorder? That sounds like me. The rage being one of the most important factors. Treatment? Same crap they have been doing, only using Haldol
Next week, I meet the new doctor. Next week, maybe I can start a new life..... Always next week, next time, next month......Tired of the next's.....
The beginning of the end....
I met a woman that was everything my wife was not. She was tiny, well groomed, materialistic, and what seemed to be down to earth. She was my rock during the first month or two of my separation.
We would have arguments, not unlike the ones that I had with my soon to be ex-wife. We blamed them on a lack of her willingness to communicate, the fact that I had to give my still wife a ton of money for bills, so our living arrangements were less than adequate.
Finally, I snapped. I remember screaming at her, in such a way that caused her to have a panic attack. I remember throwing shit across the front yard, and I remember how I don't remember. It was such a bizarre set of circumstances, that led up to it. They do not matter though, as there was no reason for my actions. So there I sat, in my car feeling like I had no control, no hope, nothing to fall back on. I walked into the emergency room. I didn't know if I was going to kill myself, or someone else, but I went somewhere where I couldn't.
I spent some time inpatient psych again. Only this time it was different. I was there on at least a 72 hour hold. Removed from friends and family, an hour away. When I finally met a doctor, after 5 minutes of writing in my chart, and reading what the counselors have written, low and behold, he claims I am bipolar. Zoloft and Depakote here I come.
Seriously? What in the hell did he know? What could he have possibly known about my situation. However, I took the meds as prescribed, figured it couldn't hurt. After my week stay at the fine accomadations of a psych hospital, I was released to continue with an outpatient program.
I had met a new doctor, one who would talk to me, and try to figure out what was happening, after a month of the Depakote, he said to try Zoloft and Klonopin to solve my problems. The bipolar issue did not exactly fit the bill that I had described as my life. So...I take this for a month, then two, whoa, wait a second, I FEEL THE EXACT SAME.
I can feel the rage overcome my body in moments of anger. I can feel the anxiety rush over me in uncertain moments. I still have dreams that involve, well....scary thoughts and actions.
I go to a new doctor, who spends approximately two minutes with me each visit. When I tell him the Zoloft and Klonopin make me feel no different, he ups my meds. Two months later, I repeat myself, he tells me there is nothing else he can do.......just continue to take the meds....
SERIOUSLY?
We would have arguments, not unlike the ones that I had with my soon to be ex-wife. We blamed them on a lack of her willingness to communicate, the fact that I had to give my still wife a ton of money for bills, so our living arrangements were less than adequate.
Finally, I snapped. I remember screaming at her, in such a way that caused her to have a panic attack. I remember throwing shit across the front yard, and I remember how I don't remember. It was such a bizarre set of circumstances, that led up to it. They do not matter though, as there was no reason for my actions. So there I sat, in my car feeling like I had no control, no hope, nothing to fall back on. I walked into the emergency room. I didn't know if I was going to kill myself, or someone else, but I went somewhere where I couldn't.
I spent some time inpatient psych again. Only this time it was different. I was there on at least a 72 hour hold. Removed from friends and family, an hour away. When I finally met a doctor, after 5 minutes of writing in my chart, and reading what the counselors have written, low and behold, he claims I am bipolar. Zoloft and Depakote here I come.
Seriously? What in the hell did he know? What could he have possibly known about my situation. However, I took the meds as prescribed, figured it couldn't hurt. After my week stay at the fine accomadations of a psych hospital, I was released to continue with an outpatient program.
I had met a new doctor, one who would talk to me, and try to figure out what was happening, after a month of the Depakote, he said to try Zoloft and Klonopin to solve my problems. The bipolar issue did not exactly fit the bill that I had described as my life. So...I take this for a month, then two, whoa, wait a second, I FEEL THE EXACT SAME.
I can feel the rage overcome my body in moments of anger. I can feel the anxiety rush over me in uncertain moments. I still have dreams that involve, well....scary thoughts and actions.
I go to a new doctor, who spends approximately two minutes with me each visit. When I tell him the Zoloft and Klonopin make me feel no different, he ups my meds. Two months later, I repeat myself, he tells me there is nothing else he can do.......just continue to take the meds....
SERIOUSLY?