Why do I.....

Well, it has been months......again, my sporadic posting really makes me wonder why anyone reads this.....oh wait a minute...they don't!!!

Since my last post, my life has changed 400%. My girlfriend and I broke up in September. She was withdrawing from me, and making it difficult to continue fighting for what we had. She had given up. I later found out that she had already moved on, before actually calling it quits. It really bummed me out, because I had given her plenty of options and plenty of chances to walk away and be done. Apparently she cannot walk away, without having someone ready to step in and take over. Suppose she cannot be alone.....I was hurt....I think I still am. For the mere fact that I know I gave up everything for her...literally...Oh well, such is life, you learn from mistakes and move on.

October brought my latest drinking binges. In an effort to find myself and be happy, I stopped my medications. I told my doctor I wanted to, and while he did not think it was a good idea, it is amazing how much different I feel. I always said that my ex had a lot to do with my needing anxiety medication and medication to calm me, and I think I was right. My moods don't swing much anymore, and I feel pretty good day in and day out. Downside....I have been drinking. Everyday. I have become the Cheers character "Norm" at the local bar. I know this is just a phase but, it helps to fill the void. My lack of friends really became apparent when we broke up, and I found myself just sitting around wondering all the time. I have made some friends at the bar, both guys and girls, and when I am there, I feel pretty good.

Now, we are in November....can you believe it, it is almost December.....where oh where did the year go. I really want to do better with this blog. I really want to reach out and have "blog friends" I have so much on my mind lately, that I feel I cannot share to most people. However an anonymous blog, I feel gives me the outlet, I probably need badly.

Well I hope this finds everyone reading well, and I look forward to posting some more, and giving an earnest effort here with my blog......

The beginning......

I knew I was different from everyone when I was in high school. The things I said, the way I acted, I knew that I had a different thought process than them. This blog is going to help me own up to my own life, and my own actions.

I am currently 28 years old. Divorced, father of 1. I had everything, and I have lost everything- so goes my story.....

When I was 15 years old, I was addicting to cocaine. I was the life of the party, it did not matter if it was, weed, cocaine, acid, nitrous- if it was a party drug, I was taking it. I soon ended up in a juvenile detention center, and spent month's on house arrest, complete with the ankle monitor that has become all so famous with Michael Vick. It was after the drugs, after the parties- that I realized, something was different.

I had a burning desire, now that I was sober to die. It wasn't a cry for attention that so many teenagers go through- it was something different. My school forced treatment before allowing me to return and it was then that I had my first experience with anti-depression medication. Wellbutrin is an interesting drug. It made it so I could not sleep, I was wired, and it made things worse I believe. I had an overwhelming feeling of being overwhelmed, this medication was not helping. So there I was, inside of an hospital seeking treatment, and I hung myself. I took my belt, which they neglected to remove from my personal property, and hung myself in the bathroom from the towel rack. I was found, face all red and blue and on the verge of passing out. I was almost dead, my wish had almost come true.

Fast forward three years. I am serving in the United States Marine Corps. Having not been on medication for years, having suffered and dealt with my own depression and worthlessness. My grades were below average, so my only choice was to enlist. I was in the Marine Corps for 9 months before something that forever changed my life took place. I was involved in a horrific one vehicle accident. I was driving my GMC Sonoma with my friend Jason and his fiance Ann back from the airport, on a rainy Halloween night. I lost control of the vehicle and we slid into the grass median, we slid for about 100 feet before the tires caught the grass, and we began to flip over. Myself and Ann were ejected from the vehicle. Jason was not that lucky. The vehicle landed on him, killing him instantly. I am able to sit here and say that I was lucky to have only broken my back in two places and twisted my leg around. I do not think I have ever recovered from this incident, nor do I think I ever will.