A fresh start maybe......

After the accident, I went through very hard times. Deep depression, that I cannot even place into words. I turned to my high school sweetheart to help me through this, and because of me being alone, so far away, we decided to get married.

My marriage was anything but bliss, because of my depresssion and hatred towards myself and pretty much everyone around me, I experienced pain as did my wife. From arguments to fights, to breaking things, to adultery, I was far from the ideal husband. Far from an ideal person.

Everything was blamed on the Marine Corps. I was not happy because of that, I was not happy for the day to day lifestyle I was forced to live. So when my discharge happened it should have been the happiest day of my life. For the most part, up until then, it was. We packed up our belongings and thought we would live in a normal civilian life like everyone else.

Fast forward again, this time four years. We have bought a house, two cars, a motorcycle, had a child, living the so-called American dream. Happiness, however was anything but a myth in our life. I was a recluse. Not wanting to venture out with my wife, not wanting to be with my wife. I blamed her, her lack of self-discipline for letting herself go. Her laziness around the house. Her lack of attention to me, to the family.

We fought so much. Money, bills, time spent together, stupid things, it didn't matter. Yet again, I blamed her. It wasn't my fault- it couldn't be my fault right? So, I gave up everything and left my wife. I thought it was just what I needed to move on with my life. What I needed to be happy. What my daughter needed for a good happy childhood. That she would be better off with two happy parents living apart, rather than an unhappily married family.

The beginning......

I knew I was different from everyone when I was in high school. The things I said, the way I acted, I knew that I had a different thought process than them. This blog is going to help me own up to my own life, and my own actions.

I am currently 28 years old. Divorced, father of 1. I had everything, and I have lost everything- so goes my story.....

When I was 15 years old, I was addicting to cocaine. I was the life of the party, it did not matter if it was, weed, cocaine, acid, nitrous- if it was a party drug, I was taking it. I soon ended up in a juvenile detention center, and spent month's on house arrest, complete with the ankle monitor that has become all so famous with Michael Vick. It was after the drugs, after the parties- that I realized, something was different.

I had a burning desire, now that I was sober to die. It wasn't a cry for attention that so many teenagers go through- it was something different. My school forced treatment before allowing me to return and it was then that I had my first experience with anti-depression medication. Wellbutrin is an interesting drug. It made it so I could not sleep, I was wired, and it made things worse I believe. I had an overwhelming feeling of being overwhelmed, this medication was not helping. So there I was, inside of an hospital seeking treatment, and I hung myself. I took my belt, which they neglected to remove from my personal property, and hung myself in the bathroom from the towel rack. I was found, face all red and blue and on the verge of passing out. I was almost dead, my wish had almost come true.

Fast forward three years. I am serving in the United States Marine Corps. Having not been on medication for years, having suffered and dealt with my own depression and worthlessness. My grades were below average, so my only choice was to enlist. I was in the Marine Corps for 9 months before something that forever changed my life took place. I was involved in a horrific one vehicle accident. I was driving my GMC Sonoma with my friend Jason and his fiance Ann back from the airport, on a rainy Halloween night. I lost control of the vehicle and we slid into the grass median, we slid for about 100 feet before the tires caught the grass, and we began to flip over. Myself and Ann were ejected from the vehicle. Jason was not that lucky. The vehicle landed on him, killing him instantly. I am able to sit here and say that I was lucky to have only broken my back in two places and twisted my leg around. I do not think I have ever recovered from this incident, nor do I think I ever will.