The beginning of the end....

I met a woman that was everything my wife was not. She was tiny, well groomed, materialistic, and what seemed to be down to earth. She was my rock during the first month or two of my separation.

We would have arguments, not unlike the ones that I had with my soon to be ex-wife. We blamed them on a lack of her willingness to communicate, the fact that I had to give my still wife a ton of money for bills, so our living arrangements were less than adequate.

Finally, I snapped. I remember screaming at her, in such a way that caused her to have a panic attack. I remember throwing shit across the front yard, and I remember how I don't remember. It was such a bizarre set of circumstances, that led up to it. They do not matter though, as there was no reason for my actions. So there I sat, in my car feeling like I had no control, no hope, nothing to fall back on. I walked into the emergency room. I didn't know if I was going to kill myself, or someone else, but I went somewhere where I couldn't.

I spent some time inpatient psych again. Only this time it was different. I was there on at least a 72 hour hold. Removed from friends and family, an hour away. When I finally met a doctor, after 5 minutes of writing in my chart, and reading what the counselors have written, low and behold, he claims I am bipolar. Zoloft and Depakote here I come.

Seriously? What in the hell did he know? What could he have possibly known about my situation. However, I took the meds as prescribed, figured it couldn't hurt. After my week stay at the fine accomadations of a psych hospital, I was released to continue with an outpatient program.

I had met a new doctor, one who would talk to me, and try to figure out what was happening, after a month of the Depakote, he said to try Zoloft and Klonopin to solve my problems. The bipolar issue did not exactly fit the bill that I had described as my life. So...I take this for a month, then two, whoa, wait a second, I FEEL THE EXACT SAME.

I can feel the rage overcome my body in moments of anger. I can feel the anxiety rush over me in uncertain moments. I still have dreams that involve, well....scary thoughts and actions.

I go to a new doctor, who spends approximately two minutes with me each visit. When I tell him the Zoloft and Klonopin make me feel no different, he ups my meds. Two months later, I repeat myself, he tells me there is nothing else he can do.......just continue to take the meds....

SERIOUSLY?