Link to Share Regarding BPD......

I want to share this link with everyone here. I do not have much time, but this is a very well written article regarding BPD. There is one tidbit that I want to quote personally, because well frankly....I feel that it goes along with my previous post perfectly....

"What defines borderline personality disorder — and makes it so explosive — is the sufferers' inability to calibrate their feelings and behavior. When faced with an event that makes them depressed or angry, they often become inconsolable or enraged. Such problems may be exacerbated by impulsive behaviors: overeating or substance abuse; suicide attempts; intentional self-injury."

Oh that paragraph hits too close to home. All too often have I had that moment when I have been inconsolable or enraged. I called it my anger and rage previously. I have to go, my mind is flooded with thoughts regarding this now....

I am sitting here reflecting on the moments that I can actually remember putting my loved ones into the "line of fire" It makes me sad now, I really was a monster....crap....

Time Magazine Article Regarding BPD

Feelings explained....

Guilt....it is a feeling that takes over your very existence. Guilt becomes anger, which becomes rage, and then you slip away into depression. It is HORRIBLE.

I feel guilty because I chose my last ex-gf and her son, over my daughter. In every aspect my daughter came second. The house- gone. The quality time- cannot be made up. I walked out and left her high and dry. My only saving grace is she is young enough, where I can make up to her. I do not regret the divorce, it needed to happen. It was needed to ensure my daughter can grow up with two happy parents, living seperately rather than unhappy and living together. Even my ex-wife agrees to this. The way that you go around things, speaks volumes about you. I was a selfish arrogant prick. I can admit that.

I wish I was not so blind. I wish I did not let a woman manipulate me, I will never forgive myself for my actions and putting my daughter second to her. I was more of a father for my ex-gf's son, than I was for my own flesh. Sad.....

So guilt turns to anger...it boils up and consumes you, you sit there questioning everything, mostly to yourself. This builds up and enter the rage. Rage is more outwardly......a funny look, a comment taken out of context, a simple thing just taken wrong. Ideas flowing in your head, nonstop, you cannot sleep, you cannot catch your breath. One day you wake up, the rage is mostly gone, replaced by depression. You don't care, you feel empty. You question your own existance.

Drinking is helping me with these....am I hiding behind booze? Possible, but for the moment, I do not have to feel so many different emotions at once. I can break them up and live outside of my reality, even if only for a brief drunken night. Cannot be the answer can it? No answers are not found in the bottom of a bottle, they are found because you face the truths. The are found because you are forced to confront the hard questions, and the brutal honesty, no matter how it can make you feel.

Perhaps the borderline diagnosis was correct, sure sounds like it. I have taken the online tests, and always get 100% for possible borderline......yet, I still try to live without the medications....because I am too weak? too scare? I am not sure, what my reasoning is.....perhaps I just want to be able to have a good time, and I felt too numb on the pills.....Probably the closest truth I have.....for now.......

I don't know if I will post more tonight or not...you go 3 months without posting and when you come back, you have so many built up thoughts, and emotions that you know you need to express it......somehow....my book of writings, only goes so far....I find myself rereading everything I have put in there, and then I relive the feelings...the emotions, the good and the bad....so lets see where this goes for now.......lets just keep taking this one day at a time.....

I know I am still.....

Suffering from borderline personality disorder. I read my previous post, and it almost sounded like I was claiming to be healed. I am not, I still find myself depressed at times, and rageful at times, it is just not as frequent as it was with my ex in my life. At some point, I know I am going to have to deal with ALL of this, but right now, I am trying to enjoy my life.

I still have horrible thoughts and feelings, but learning to deal with them, rather than use medications to block them out, I think is very important. Guess we will really see what time has to say about most of this stuff, as the holidays are coming and usually a time of year that people are moody, gloomy (winter).

Well to everyone out there in blogger world, thank you for dealing with me, and my ramblings, and hopefully we can move forward with good posts, and good feelings!!

Why do I.....

Well, it has been months......again, my sporadic posting really makes me wonder why anyone reads this.....oh wait a minute...they don't!!!

Since my last post, my life has changed 400%. My girlfriend and I broke up in September. She was withdrawing from me, and making it difficult to continue fighting for what we had. She had given up. I later found out that she had already moved on, before actually calling it quits. It really bummed me out, because I had given her plenty of options and plenty of chances to walk away and be done. Apparently she cannot walk away, without having someone ready to step in and take over. Suppose she cannot be alone.....I was hurt....I think I still am. For the mere fact that I know I gave up everything for her...literally...Oh well, such is life, you learn from mistakes and move on.

October brought my latest drinking binges. In an effort to find myself and be happy, I stopped my medications. I told my doctor I wanted to, and while he did not think it was a good idea, it is amazing how much different I feel. I always said that my ex had a lot to do with my needing anxiety medication and medication to calm me, and I think I was right. My moods don't swing much anymore, and I feel pretty good day in and day out. Downside....I have been drinking. Everyday. I have become the Cheers character "Norm" at the local bar. I know this is just a phase but, it helps to fill the void. My lack of friends really became apparent when we broke up, and I found myself just sitting around wondering all the time. I have made some friends at the bar, both guys and girls, and when I am there, I feel pretty good.

Now, we are in November....can you believe it, it is almost December.....where oh where did the year go. I really want to do better with this blog. I really want to reach out and have "blog friends" I have so much on my mind lately, that I feel I cannot share to most people. However an anonymous blog, I feel gives me the outlet, I probably need badly.

Well I hope this finds everyone reading well, and I look forward to posting some more, and giving an earnest effort here with my blog......