Yesterday I called for a new appointment with a new doctor. Oh how I hope he can bring some normalcy to my life. Oh how I hope he can help me overcome this rage, this anger, this depression, this general feeling that I have. I want to live my life. I want to be happy. I want so much, that I am prevented from having right now.
Borderline Personality Disorder? That sounds like me. The rage being one of the most important factors. Treatment? Same crap they have been doing, only using Haldol
for the extremely bad cases of rage or anxiety that come on. Wow, that is what they give crazy people. Wow, maybe that is what I need.
Next week, I meet the new doctor. Next week, maybe I can start a new life..... Always next week, next time, next month......Tired of the next's.....
11 comments:
Hi again,
I think it has been a long time since we have talked. For a while now I have been so focused on my shoulder problems and the pain it has been causing. Sorry because I can see that you need someone to talk to.
Anyway, after reading all of your posts here I want to ask you if you are sleeping any better? I suffer from insomnia and I know most people think I am crazy for taking Ambien, but I swear that at least most nights or I should say days I can at least get maybe 3 or 4 hours of good sleep. My shoulder and back pains interfere with my ability to sleep very well. So sometimes I am lying in bed for over 12 hours just trying to sleep.
Okay, enough about me. I want to ask you one thing and I hope you will answer this question and be okay with me asking this. Do you believe in Jesus and go to a church? It is okay if you do not. I just want to know if you are okay with talking about him. Many do not and many do want to talk about him. But the main thing I am trying to find out about is what do you believe in. It seems to me that you have decided to believe that you do not deserve a happy life. Oh and trust me I know how you feel more than you can possibly realize. I fight so much with many of the things you wrote here that I can only empathize with you on them. And that is why I am asking about what you do believe in, beside your political beliefs. I have found that just having even one good thing to believe in is better than having none, not just counting politics. And yes I will go from this to that, but as long as I have at least one thing to focus on each day then that is something. So right now I am focused on taking care of my tomato and cucumber plants. Maybe I am too focused on them because the dang tomato plants have grown taller than me. They are over 5'6" tall. And that is really tall for tomato plants. My cucumber plant and two of the tomato plants are in one of those Topsy Turvy thingys and I know it sounds crazy to be so focused on them, but it is giving me something useful to do and it is something I am being successful at doing. Since I do not work anymore due to back pains and lack of motivation to go out and look for a job, I feel so depressed on some days that I think that is why I just stay in bed. Why should I bother to get up, what is there to do? Then I think, oh okay, I better get up before Hubby comes home, but he does not say much if I am still in bed when he comes home. I think he knows I have so much trouble sleeping due to the pain. So that is why I am so glad my tomato plants are doing so well. They give me something to do. And thank goodness my youngest grandson starts back to school on Thursday. He comes here after school and I help him with his homework. It may not seem important, but to teach him and feed him his dinner also gives me something to do. I take it you work and so be thankful if you do. It is so boring to not work. I am lucky my husband makes enough money so I do not have to, but it was better when I did work and we had a lot more money to go do things. Now I do not care.
Have to continue in another comment box, cause I write too much for blogger to print.
Okay, here is the second part I wrote.
Pain is a dangerous thing. Mental or physical pain is bad. Mental pain can be as bad as physical and I am not sure which is easier to treat. Both are hard to cope with. I think you do need to get past the car accident and somehow you seem to punish yourself because of it. But you also seem to punish yourself because of the things you have done in your past. Go watch the movie Gone With The Wind and realize that tomorrow is another day. From what I read the accident was not your fault and it was your friends time to go to heaven. When it is someone's time, it is their time. I truly doubt that you had any say in this happening. And I am sure others have told you this, but we are not in total control of everything around us. There is so much that we cannot control, so we must surrender to the knowledge that most things are out of our control.
The only thing you can control is how you react to that which happens around you.
I know this is hard and it is even hard for me. What can I say, but you have to try. You are a good person and look at all you have overcome. Most people would not be able to overcome these things. And I know those doctors would get mad at me for telling you to stop taking your meds but if you ever think that they are making things worse than please stop. And just keep changing doctors until you find one that will actually "listen" to you. Yes, they are all very busy and probably have tons of patients, but if their answer is just more meds than look for another and another until you find one that is right for you. I also would like to ask you to try to find a place that has more people going through what you are. Look in the phone book and see what is there. And if possible please look for a church with people that care and just try it. You can always try a different church until you find one you like. I am asking you to try this because there are so many nice people who go to them. And I would ask you to find a church that helps those in need. I think that if you are focused on helping others than you will truly be helping yourself. I know this because when I am focused on helping my grandson, it helps me.
Okay, I know this is a long comment, but I am basically commenting on all of your comments in this comment.
And please just come back to visit me and let me know how you are doing. Just ask me to visit and I will. And please let me know your opinions about anything I wrote here. I can take it, if you do not like any of it. Do not worry about the politics until you get well.
All right I will quit writing and just want you to know you are not alone. Write back when you can. And just so you know I have checked the feed every now and then to see if you came back, but you did not and that is okay, blogging is not something you have to do, it is just something we do. Oh, and you are not losing your mind, just doing this shows that you are not. Believe me I keep looking for mine and it is still there. Well at least most of it anyway. Menopause does make one forget. Oh and if you want a laugh for the day, go visit my other site, Mrsupole's Crap. We are just a bunch of people complaining about things going on in our lives. But we are funny, at least I hope so.
God bless.
Sleeping better? Now there is a statement that is interesting. Ambien? Yes, it is a friend. Doctors say that a lack of solid sleep can be the root of many mental health problems. I do not suffer from insomnia, however I can find myself sleeping for about 2-3 hours a night, and be ok with it. Eventually I will start to feel overwhelmed and my thoughts start racing, however I have learned to cope with it.
You made a mention of God. It is ironic that you say that. I have often been asking myself why those that blindly follow a church always seem to be happy. Can it really be that they are genuinely happy because of the love inside of them? Or is it all a big front that they put on, so that no one at their church questions them. Perhaps it is more with the reborn Christians that I notice this. They always claim to be happy and to live their life. The question I have for them is, why? Are they so happy because they have let go of their free-will and abide by the "rules" set forth by their church.
I am not sure if God would make me feel better at this point of my life. I have often wondered and I doubt it would hurt. I have made changes in my life that should make me feel better. That should make me smile, however there are still many times when I feel like I do not want to.
I do recognize that medications are not the answer, but for the first time in maybe my entire life, I can sit here and say that there are triggers in my life that are not the way they should be. Certain things that can make me completely change who I am. It has hurt those close to me, on more than one occasion.
So I am willing to look into alternatives, I am looking to go through the painful tasks of finding a doctor that is willing to listen, that is willing to work. At this time however, I do not think I am ready to turn to God, whoever that may be. I have become closer in the last 2 years with that line of thinking, but I am not completely sold yet.
I wish I had cucumber plants. Something that no matter what makes you feel like you are doing something right. Something so mindless that is almost gives you time to reflect upon your life while tending the garden, yet does not allow you the opportunity to be consumed by thoughts.
I miss the political blog, but I was getting so deep into the conspiracy side of things that I was not doing any good to my own line of thinking. To my own well-being. And until that is where it needs to be, I am trying to avoid the political crap that this country has become. Knowledge is power, but with some knowledge, it is just power to confuse yourself.
I am going to try to sleep right now and my brain is fuddled right now. So tomorrow after I get back from my Physical Therapy class I will try to get on and go over some of what you said here I can see things there and would like to talk about them with you. Hope is there for you, so please remember this. Take care, stay safe and God bless.
Something in my brain is not working right. I am seeing double and things around me bouncing. I gotta go to bed. I already took my Ambien and so will be back tomorrow.
God Bless.
I think it is better if I answer each paragraph so as to not go over limit.
"Sleeping better? Now there is a statement that is interesting. Ambien? Yes, it is a friend. Doctors say that a lack of solid sleep can be the root of many mental health problems. I do not suffer from insomnia, however I can find myself sleeping for about 2-3 hours a night, and be ok with it. Eventually I will start to feel overwhelmed and my thoughts start racing, however I have learned to cope with it."
Okay, do you take Ambien? If so just hide the keys so as to never drive. But I think you already know this. And since you only sleep 2-3 hours each night, you truly might be an insomniac and not realize it. I feel so much better inside when I really do try to sleep. For years I did not know I was an insomniac, since I have realized this and sought help I have not been near as depressed as I used to be. I agree with you when you said that they think lack of sleep can cause mental problems. I truly have been an insomniac since I was a child. My mom would catch me up at 2 or 3 in the morning, reading, because I could not sleep. In college I only would sleep 2 to 3 hours and I think that is what drove me to drop out. I joined the Army and during basic training that was the only time I slept so well. But I think that is cause you are so physically exhausted that you kinda just pass out. I think I am one of the few people that you will ever hear say that they enjoyed Basic Training. Did you sleep well during that time?
As I answer some of your other questions I will tell you what I have also found to do that helps to clear my mind and keep my thoughts racing. But this one I can tell you, which does not go in reference to your other paragraphs. Keep a tablet and pen beside your bed and then when you are thinking of things if you wake up, write these things down, then quit thinking about it. I have found that helps because I can then stop worrying about if I will remember what I am thinking about or if I will forget it. When you write it down, you will then find that you stop worrying about it. I also have journals to write things down that I want to remember. I think I have one in each room, well except the kitchen. This also helps with my sleep, to where I do not have to keep thinking things. Truly you will be surprised at what this does for you. I hope you will try this.
Okay, posting this and on to the next one.
God bless.
Okay, next...
"You made a mention of God. It is ironic that you say that. I have often been asking myself why those that blindly follow a church always seem to be happy. Can it really be that they are genuinely happy because of the love inside of them? Or is it all a big front that they put on, so that no one at their church questions them. Perhaps it is more with the reborn Christians that I notice this. They always claim to be happy and to live their life. The question I have for them is, why? Are they so happy because they have let go of their free-will and abide by the "rules" set forth by their church."
Oh my goodness, I so totally know what you mean. I too wonder why I never feel this way. I have accepted Jesus as my savior and consider myself a born again Christian, although I am not sure that I was born again because I think that is supposed to mean that you had Jesus as your savior and that you found or accepted him again. Some say that it means you say the prayer that they have asking Jesus to save you.
I have come across the people that you are talking about and I still keep wondering why I am not like them. I think there are some that it feels like it is all an "act" to me, but then I will come across one that feels "true" to me. I do think it is not that they follow the rules of the church, because truly which "church" is the right one, but because they follow their love of Jesus. And I have noticed that they have turned over total control of their lives to Jesus.
I am not sure why I have been unable to feel this way. I think sometimes it is fear, fear of losing control of my life. But the thing is that these people in some strange way seem to have more control of their lives. They always seem so happy and their not controlling everything in their lives seems to give them some kind of control of happiness. Maybe this is what we need to do.
I keep trying to get to this level and pray that someday I will get there. But I also know people who have claimed to give their life to Christ, but to me they truly have not. They constantly judge others who have not accepted Jesus or those that do not go to "their" church and the way they live is the 'only' way to get to heaven. I am not sure if you see the difference in them the same way I do. But I do see the difference and I want to be in the group that just totally gives control to Jesus and is just full of love.
Dang I went over the limit. Second half is cont.
Here is the second half.
Jesus is truly about love. He loved everyone. He loved those that sinned, those that did not believe in him, those that did believe in him. He just loved everyone. I try so hard to be that way. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes it is not. I try not to judge others and yet I catch myself doing this. I try not to complain about things in my life that are not going the way I think they should, but then I do. I try to love everyone around me, but I sometimes find it so hard. I have so many things wrong with me and yet I try so hard to change these things about myself. I sometimes would just go sit on my bathroom floor and just start crying, wondering what is wrong with me, why I cannot be like others. I still do this. I am not sure why I feel this way. Why I cannot be like others who do seem to be so happy. Why am I so afraid to give complete control of my life to Jesus. I just cry and sit there and say, why, why, why. Then after a while I will get up and most of the time I feel just a slight bit better, but yes I too have felt like why cannot I just die and be put out of my misery, why do they put animals out of their misery and not let me do it too.
But then I realize that I am the only one who can change myself. No one else can do it for me. I have to pull myself up and get out of that mood and get on with my life. I have people who depend upon me and if something were to happen to me they would be devastasted. I already know that your child would feel this way about you too. She needs you and no matter how much you think she is better off without you, she is not. She will always love you.
A few weeks ago, before I had the surgery, my teenager grandson was here staying with us and he told me this: He said he loved me so much, almost more than anyone else in his life. And that if anything ever happened to me that he would be lost. He was worried about if I would survive the surgery. This is because my husband's mom went in for surgery and she died before they even started. So it was scarey for him to think that this could happen to me. I actually was surprised to hear this, because I did not know he loved me so much. You actually might be surprised to find that there are people who love you as much.
Plus, I keep working on giving my whole soul to Jesus. I would ask you to find someone who has done this and talk to them, choose your friends carefully and if you find someone like this, try to learn from them. You too have a chance to someday give your soul and life to Jesus. You also deserve to be happy.
On to the next paragraph.
"I am not sure if God would make me feel better at this point of my life. I have often wondered and I doubt it would hurt. I have made changes in my life that should make me feel better. That should make me smile, however there are still many times when I feel like I do not want to."
I hope I answered these questions in with the previous answers to the previous paragraph. I think these two are tied together. I should have put this paragraph with the previous one. And yes finding Jesus would be good for you and should not hurt. It is about finding love. Love yourself. I am trying to learn to do this.
"I do recognize that medications are not the answer, but for the first time in maybe my entire life, I can sit here and say that there are triggers in my life that are not the way they should be. Certain things that can make me completely change who I am. It has hurt those close to me, on more than one occasion."
What are these triggers? Have any of these doctors actually checked your blood to see if everything is okay, such as your hormone levels and thyroid? Truly, you need to find one who is thinking beyond the box to find out what these triggers are. Plus I would like to ask you if you would be willing to write down what sets off these triggers. Sometimes you could just be reacting to some kinds of food that you have eaten. Keep track of caffeine, sugar and food dyes to see if you are reacting to these things. I have to pretty much stay away from caffeine and sugar. Too much of either can truly set me off. And no way do I touch alcohol. It is just not for me. I hope you think about keeping a journal to write these things down. Even if you just do it here on your blog site. Or start one that is a private journal for yourself and that only you can see. But I think writing it in a book is better. But do not let those you do not want to see your journal get ahold of it. So I also have my e-mail and I write things to myself there and just send it to myself in an e-mail. No one has my password and so no one can see it. Just make sure you have enough storage. That is why a private blog site might be better. Please think about this. You never know what you will discover when you read what you wrote a few weeks down the road.
Heck I will probably be surprised at how much I have told you. I never tell anyone some of the things I have already told you. Somehow I just feel that you are going through a lot of what I have already been through. I do hope what I am telling you can help you, even if just a little bit. At least I can let you know you are not alone. Others like me have gone through these things. Maybe not exactly what you are going through, but things that are similiar in some way. And I am certain you have not hurt those close to you on purpose and trust me I have been there too. It is like someone else is doing this. It almost feels like an out of body experience. But somehow I cannot stop myself. Who is this person doing this? It is not me, but it is. I cannot explain it, but I hope I at least tried a little bit.
People are very forgiving and you will find that if any of them truly knew what you were going through that you would be forgiven. They probably have already forgiven you, they may just not have told you. You are blessed to have anyone in your life. Some people have no one. I cannot know what they go through. I thank God for those I have.
Onto the next one.
"So I am willing to look into alternatives, I am looking to go through the painful tasks of finding a doctor that is willing to listen, that is willing to work. At this time however, I do not think I am ready to turn to God, whoever that may be. I have become closer in the last 2 years with that line of thinking, but I am not completely sold yet."
I am glad you are willing to keep looking for a doctor that will listen and yes it may take a while, but you will know when you find the right one. Never give up.
When you are ready to turn to God, you will. I can only tell you the things that I know in reference to what I have experienced. We each have to live our own lives and live with our choices in life that we make. I can say that I hope you will seek out one of those people who have totally and completely given their life to Jesus (not to a church), and just question that person constantly about what makes them that way and what made the change happen. And if that person cannot help you, then look until you find one that can. I will try to help you with what I can, but I do not have all the answers, I only have some, but I am willing to share what I do know. It might not be much, but I will share if you want to ask any questions. There will be many that I may not know much about something, but who knows, maybe I know more than I think. I have to tell you that if you do find one, latch onto them and consider yourself lucky to have one willing to help you. I have noticed that when I have been around these people I do feel better and happier. I hope someday I am so blessed.
You will be blessed someday.
Okay next.
"I wish I had cucumber plants. Something that no matter what makes you feel like you are doing something right. Something so mindless that is almost gives you time to reflect upon your life while tending the garden, yet does not allow you the opportunity to be consumed by thoughts."
There are many other things that can be your "cucumber plant". If you have a patio you can plant something in a pot and if it dies just get another one. Trust me I have had many plants die. Buy a betta fish to take care of, just making sure I feed my fish each night is something important. But I am not sure how artistic you are, but art is a wonderful way to find expressionism. Any kind of useful project that occupies your brain is good.
I somehow have discovered that I have this wonderful sarcastic ability to leave sarcastic comments on this one website. And if I can make others laugh, I am so glad. I love to make others laugh. But I can also leave thoughtful and though provoking comments. Somehow and for some reason that I am not sure about, others really like my comments. And when I do not leave any, they actually miss them. I have discovered this because of the comments they leave about my comments. And then there are some who probably do not like my comments, but I still leave them anyway. So somehow I have discovered I have some kind of talent in my writing abilities. This is something I never knew I had. Just like I never knew I could grow tomato plants taller than myself.
I have learned a lot of things about myself in the last year, but that is only because I have for the first time taken chances in what I put out there for all to see. I have learned that when I was posting on Greta Wire that I have this political ability to moderate on both sides. Until I tried this I never knew I could do this. That is when I discovered a great joy of politics, even though I stay away from them when I write my blogs and comments. You are one of the few I have ever blogged with about politics.
But you know what I would love to do, is to paint pictures. Someday when I get braver I will attempt this. But what I am trying to say is that you are the only one who can try to find what you could possibly excel at doing. Even if it means you just buy one simple houseplant and then learn how to take care of it. It is something. We all need something. There is no such thing as failure when you try these things, it is just that you succeeded in learning what not to do. It truly is how you look at everything. If the houseplant dies, buy another and if that one dies buy another until you have succeeded in figuring out what it is you need to do to help it survive. Many people buy one plant and it dies and so they say they cannot grow houseplants. They just are really admitting that they have given up on theirselves, instead of showing the determination to learn and succeed at growing a houseplant. You can be successful at whatever you are willing to keep trying to succeed at. Never give up, you will find something to occupy your mind. Just keep searching and know that the journey of searching can be a fun thing in itself.
Onto the last paragraph.
"I miss the political blog, but I was getting so deep into the conspiracy side of things that I was not doing any good to my own line of thinking. To my own well-being. And until that is where it needs to be, I am trying to avoid the political crap that this country has become. Knowledge is power, but with some knowledge, it is just power to confuse yourself."
Yes, I had noticed you were into the conspiracy thing and maybe you were right, but I too have learned to not focus so much on that. It could drive one crazy. Although I truly enjoy watching the Glenn Beck show every day. But I still take that show with a grain of salt, in not going crazy with what is going on out there in the political world. Being that I was once a Democrat, I know that they are not all bad. It is just that one half of the 1% of them that are a little insane and ruining our country. I am so glad though that I finally saw the light and became a Republican. Not to say that all the Republicans are perfect, because we have the same equally insane group out there, but I have discovered that I have probably always believed more in what the Republican party stands for then what the Democratic or Socialist Democratic party stands for.
Truly the only political knowledge that one needs is to make the right choices for when you vote. Unless you are going to be an active participant in politics, you only need to know enough for voting. Or maybe you just have to look at it through different eyes to where you can discuss it, but realize that not everyone is part of a conspiracy. Although my hubby gets into the conspiracy thing a little too much also and just refuses to see some things with an open mind. He constantly calls me a liberal when in some ways I am more conservative than him. I can not help it if I believe in recycling. He is just rigid in his views and I can be a little more flexible. We all need to be a little flexible in life, it is what helps us to survive many things.
And yes, your well being is more important than any politics can be. What good is politics if you are not well. You need to heal your mind and soul right now and I am so glad that you have discovered this. I want you to know that just by you realizing this alone, you have probably taken the first step towards doing this. The first step to fixing a problem is to admit that there is a problem. For how can one fix something that they think there is nothing wrong with. I wish you the best in doing this.
And so now that I have written you a book, I hope you are okay with this. If you want to talk some more to me about anything, just let me know. I know that others may not have answered you in the way that I have, but somehow I just wanted you to know that I did listen to you. I listened to everything that you wrote in your posts and plus I saw so much of myself that I could not stop myself from letting you know this. I have pretty much not found many people that I can talk about these things without their criticism (which I hope I have not done any of that here), and I want you to know that you can talk to me about any of them.
God bless you and may your doctor appointments go well. I will pray for you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh and you can tell me where to go if I have gone too far, but I hope I have helped you in some way. Please let me know if I did or didn't.
Take care and God bless,
Sherry
Post a Comment