Ok, so at the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment, either real or imagined. This goes along with my last post pretty well, because there are things that I will do that even though they go against what is best for me, if it stops me from being alone, I will go forward with it. I have harmed myself and my daughter with this thinking, and I think I feel a little better about it, knowing that I cannot completely help it.
At this time of year, it is a little more obvious to me than any other time of the year. For the first time in 15 years, I am experiencing the holiday season with no one in my "love life." Coming from a small family this is really taking a toll on me this year. Where will I go for Christmas, will I be eating microwaved Chicken Nuggets? I have always relied on my significant other and their extended families to keep me "warm" during the festive season.
So it may seem trivial to you the reader, but for someone that is dealing with BPD, it is very nerve racking. Hell, even thinking about New Year's Eve and all of my bar friends(my only friends) getting together with their dates, it looks like I will be the stag party goer....crap that starts another chain of emotions...I will STAND out. I don't want to be singled out for being different, now this emotion is running over me, it is not very comfortable right now, I think I need to change the subject before it ruins my day. crap crap crap.....
Ok back to the topic....I know I have said it before, and I apologize for repeating it, but it is on the forefront and I cannot stop thinking about it. I miss the soft touch of a womant that loves me. Sure I have had my share of "Ms. Right Now", as I am sure you readers have had the same, perhaps "Mr. Right Now"...but it isn't the same. When you wake up in the morning, and you know that someone will be waking up thinking about you, someone to send little texts messages, just because.....Going out of your way to do little things to return the feeling to your partner. Simple tasks, as an email, a text, or a stop by during the lunch break. Then at the end of the day, as you wind down, you finish your day with a great conversation with your partner, and lay into your bed smiling, because of the warmth that other person can provide...the happiness.
Maybe this is a bit pathetic of me, whining about being alone, without a girlfriend? Am I fourteen years old, and the only one without a date to the Homecoming dance? No, I am a grown man, who is trying ever so hard to deal with the uncertain feelings that I fight with every day of my life. Oh well....time to go back and wrestle with my mind today....
I hope you all have a great day and week...I know I am trying to as well...
Germany win the World Cup 2014
9 years ago
8 comments:
Anytime you want to talk, feel free to email me. Seriously. I can totally relate to not wanting to be alone. I started dating my current b/f only a month after I seperated from my ex-husband. I just can't stand not having to someone. I think you are amazing for being so in touch with your issues and being able to put it out there. I really hope you meet the right girl and I am sure someday you will.
Thank you Mass Hole Mommy,
It is something that I have been dealing with for the past few months, and I have learned from it. I regret a lot of the actions that put me in my place, but I know a lot of them cannot be undone. The damage was done...
Your story sounds all too familiar as I left my ex-wife for my last ex-gf. I hate myself for that. The torture that I know I put my ex-wife through knowing that the man she loved, left for another woman. That really is cruel and unusual.
Thank you again for the kind words.
Can I ask you something? Have you told your ex-wife what you just said to me? The part about hating yourself for your actions? Because that is EXACTLY what my ex did to me (however he is still with the girl he left me for....for now), but if he ever came to me and told me that he felt bad about the way he treated me (like it was my fault that he is a dick), it would go a VERY long way.
Your honesty and openness is admirable. You speak what many people feel especially at this time of year. I'm sorry for the pain of your loneliness. I hope that you will meet the right lady soon. I wish you the best. I look forward to following your blog. Have a good evening.
I think that some day when you learn to actually like yourself then you will be okay with being alone with yourself. There is truly nothing wrong with being by yourself, even during the holiday times. It is just a myth that you "have" to be with others. There are so many out there that have no one to be with during this time, and I have noticed that if you just accept this situation, realize that it is okay to be alone, then you will be okay.
You are never truly alone because you always have yourself. I think that if you let others around you know that you have no plans to go anywhere then you might find that there is someone who would be happy to have you join them during the holidays. Plus there might be someone facing the same situation and that person is just not letting anyone know they are going to be on their own. Maybe that person would be happy to celebrate with you. If it happens that you end up on your own, cook a nice dinner for yourself, rent some movies you want to see and just enjoy your company. This seems to be the choice for many single people.
Everyone needs to learn to love theirselves and with doing that you will learn to love others. You are a wonderful person and I hope you know this. I see this in what you write. You might have done some not so nice things, but forgive yourself, no one is perfect. We all do things that we wish we had never done, it is in our human nature. Accept it, forgive yourself, and then move on to the future. Everything in the past cannot be changed, but you can change what you do in the future. Enjoy life, enjoy yourself, enjoy your daughter, and yes I agree that you should let your ex-wife know how you feel. This will go a long way towards you forgiving yourself. Set the guilt free. Guilt can give you ulcers. Life is a treasure and you are a treasure because you are full of life. Your daughter loves you. She is always with you in your heart. This alone shows that you are never alone.
Have you thought any more about going to a church? The sad thing about bar friends is that once you quit going to that bar then you lose all those friends. You will find that if you cultivate friends from other places then you will be a lot happier.
I say to you my friend, go forth and make friends. You can do this. I have faith in you. And please count me as one of your friends. Friends come in all different ways. Life loves you. Embrace the love that life gives you.
God bless.
I am mobile right now so I am sure I will miss some points but will reread when I get home.
I have had many conversations with my ex-wife and for the most part she knows exactly how I feel. I am trying to love myself during this time and for the record I am making progress. For that I am excited. I know I don't have to have someone in my life during the holiday season it is just what I have come to know.
I will expand later Mrsupole on your post
septembermom thank you for joining and offering your words
I check every so often to see if you have come back yet. But so far it seems it is not happening, well I still wanted to wish you a Happy New Year and to let you know that I hope all is as well as it can be.
Come back soon, please.
God bless.
I am just going to start leaving at least some comment to let you know I was here checking to see if you have come back yet, but then I do not want you to feel like I am bugging you. I just want to let you know that I am thinking about you and wanting to know if you are doing okay. And for you to know that someone cares.
I hope you do read these and I hope all is well.
God bless.
Post a Comment