Loneliness.......BPD

Ok, so at the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment, either real or imagined. This goes along with my last post pretty well, because there are things that I will do that even though they go against what is best for me, if it stops me from being alone, I will go forward with it. I have harmed myself and my daughter with this thinking, and I think I feel a little better about it, knowing that I cannot completely help it.

At this time of year, it is a little more obvious to me than any other time of the year. For the first time in 15 years, I am experiencing the holiday season with no one in my "love life." Coming from a small family this is really taking a toll on me this year. Where will I go for Christmas, will I be eating microwaved Chicken Nuggets? I have always relied on my significant other and their extended families to keep me "warm" during the festive season.

So it may seem trivial to you the reader, but for someone that is dealing with BPD, it is very nerve racking. Hell, even thinking about New Year's Eve and all of my bar friends(my only friends) getting together with their dates, it looks like I will be the stag party goer....crap that starts another chain of emotions...I will STAND out. I don't want to be singled out for being different, now this emotion is running over me, it is not very comfortable right now, I think I need to change the subject before it ruins my day. crap crap crap.....

Ok back to the topic....I know I have said it before, and I apologize for repeating it, but it is on the forefront and I cannot stop thinking about it. I miss the soft touch of a womant that loves me. Sure I have had my share of "Ms. Right Now", as I am sure you readers have had the same, perhaps "Mr. Right Now"...but it isn't the same. When you wake up in the morning, and you know that someone will be waking up thinking about you, someone to send little texts messages, just because.....Going out of your way to do little things to return the feeling to your partner. Simple tasks, as an email, a text, or a stop by during the lunch break. Then at the end of the day, as you wind down, you finish your day with a great conversation with your partner, and lay into your bed smiling, because of the warmth that other person can provide...the happiness.

Maybe this is a bit pathetic of me, whining about being alone, without a girlfriend? Am I fourteen years old, and the only one without a date to the Homecoming dance? No, I am a grown man, who is trying ever so hard to deal with the uncertain feelings that I fight with every day of my life. Oh well....time to go back and wrestle with my mind today....

I hope you all have a great day and week...I know I am trying to as well...

Why do I.....

Well, it has been months......again, my sporadic posting really makes me wonder why anyone reads this.....oh wait a minute...they don't!!!

Since my last post, my life has changed 400%. My girlfriend and I broke up in September. She was withdrawing from me, and making it difficult to continue fighting for what we had. She had given up. I later found out that she had already moved on, before actually calling it quits. It really bummed me out, because I had given her plenty of options and plenty of chances to walk away and be done. Apparently she cannot walk away, without having someone ready to step in and take over. Suppose she cannot be alone.....I was hurt....I think I still am. For the mere fact that I know I gave up everything for her...literally...Oh well, such is life, you learn from mistakes and move on.

October brought my latest drinking binges. In an effort to find myself and be happy, I stopped my medications. I told my doctor I wanted to, and while he did not think it was a good idea, it is amazing how much different I feel. I always said that my ex had a lot to do with my needing anxiety medication and medication to calm me, and I think I was right. My moods don't swing much anymore, and I feel pretty good day in and day out. Downside....I have been drinking. Everyday. I have become the Cheers character "Norm" at the local bar. I know this is just a phase but, it helps to fill the void. My lack of friends really became apparent when we broke up, and I found myself just sitting around wondering all the time. I have made some friends at the bar, both guys and girls, and when I am there, I feel pretty good.

Now, we are in November....can you believe it, it is almost December.....where oh where did the year go. I really want to do better with this blog. I really want to reach out and have "blog friends" I have so much on my mind lately, that I feel I cannot share to most people. However an anonymous blog, I feel gives me the outlet, I probably need badly.

Well I hope this finds everyone reading well, and I look forward to posting some more, and giving an earnest effort here with my blog......