Come and go

Life is ever changing, keeping you on your toes, forcing you to evolve from the creature you were born as. Its ironic isn't it- we evolved as creatures, only to have our own personal involvement every day, every experience. I miss myself, I have changed so much in 5 years, I miss me. I used to think that I was crazy, unprepared to deal with life, choosing not to. I chose to deal with things, to watch them from afar and be better prepared. I am me- ready for whatever came my way. In 6 years so much has happened, I will not sit here and start from scratch on my life or fill in the details- it has been crazy, from love to loss, from right to wrong, it's been a journey. I was so lost, I think I am found- at least better than I was when I left you.

Merry Christmas Blog World

So I was absent for most of 2010....so many life changes, so little time......I finally have a week off and I can't believe it. It has been a long time coming.

For those of you that might be interested, I think I have finally grasped control of my life to a degree...we shall see what 2011 brings.

Happy Holidays to you and yours, and may 2011 bring you all your wishes and dreams!!!

Mental well being?

So during the past month, I already told you that things have been crazy for me. I guess I will elaborate a little bit, as I know I turned my back on my followers, and I actually feel kind of guilty for this. I know we don't know each other, but you all have taken the time to comment and read my story, and the last thing I want to do is leave everyone in the dark.

Well I said I met with a psychologist and we started talking and he thought it would be a good idea for me to take an evaluation test. It ended up being something like 500 true or false questions...Everything comes down to standardized testing now right? HAHA...

Well anyways, according to these results, he does not feel as though I am suffering from bi-polar disorder. Here were the key points that he made or rather the testing made...I suffer from low self-esteem, I prefer instant gratification, I am depressed, I am unhappy with my career path as it is, some of the signs might show I might be a borderline- borderline personality type. Now this was the big question I had because borderline personality can be misdiagnosed as bi-polar a lot. Here was his response as I remember "this test gives results based on your answers and gives him the doctor a starting ground for treatment. Not always is the test 100% accurate but it can shine a light on things that might otherwise go unnoticed. This doesn't mean that I have borderline personality disorder, just that we share some traits."

My response..."Well crap, I am crazy"

In all seriousness, I think the test was a joke, as the questions were a bit silly in my mind, but I am not the professional here, so I am giving the benefit of the doubt. I go back and see him next week, so it should be interesting to see what he wants to talk about now. I am hoping the next few weeks or months can provide insight inside of me. Can show me why I have the anger issues that I have, why I am so untrusting, and uncomfortable alone.

Until next time, hope everyone has a great weekend!

Lately....

I wish I could tell everone what has been happening since December 21st 2009. All I can say is life has been very very difficult for me. I missed a month of work because of personal problems. My ex wife kept my daughter from me from December 13-January 26th. I was finally able to give my daughter her Christmas presents, a month after the fact.

We won the first court battle and I saw my daughter the same day! I was so excited, yet I cried both when I saw her and when she had to leave. Court next month should be good for me as well. I despise my ex-wife so much. Not being able to see the most important person in my life during the holidays was very hard on me.

For the most part I have tamed down my drinking as well. I think I have outgrown my daily trips to the bar. I am proud of the fact that I have never drank with my daughter around, or ever let my drinking affect my time with her!

I have thought of you guys a lot lately, and there was so much I wanted to say, but I know I cannot share every intimate detail about my custody fight with the world.

I hope 2010 has started well for all you readers out there...I know it sucked to start, but I know its going to finish good for me!!

Loneliness.......BPD

Ok, so at the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment, either real or imagined. This goes along with my last post pretty well, because there are things that I will do that even though they go against what is best for me, if it stops me from being alone, I will go forward with it. I have harmed myself and my daughter with this thinking, and I think I feel a little better about it, knowing that I cannot completely help it.

At this time of year, it is a little more obvious to me than any other time of the year. For the first time in 15 years, I am experiencing the holiday season with no one in my "love life." Coming from a small family this is really taking a toll on me this year. Where will I go for Christmas, will I be eating microwaved Chicken Nuggets? I have always relied on my significant other and their extended families to keep me "warm" during the festive season.

So it may seem trivial to you the reader, but for someone that is dealing with BPD, it is very nerve racking. Hell, even thinking about New Year's Eve and all of my bar friends(my only friends) getting together with their dates, it looks like I will be the stag party goer....crap that starts another chain of emotions...I will STAND out. I don't want to be singled out for being different, now this emotion is running over me, it is not very comfortable right now, I think I need to change the subject before it ruins my day. crap crap crap.....

Ok back to the topic....I know I have said it before, and I apologize for repeating it, but it is on the forefront and I cannot stop thinking about it. I miss the soft touch of a womant that loves me. Sure I have had my share of "Ms. Right Now", as I am sure you readers have had the same, perhaps "Mr. Right Now"...but it isn't the same. When you wake up in the morning, and you know that someone will be waking up thinking about you, someone to send little texts messages, just because.....Going out of your way to do little things to return the feeling to your partner. Simple tasks, as an email, a text, or a stop by during the lunch break. Then at the end of the day, as you wind down, you finish your day with a great conversation with your partner, and lay into your bed smiling, because of the warmth that other person can provide...the happiness.

Maybe this is a bit pathetic of me, whining about being alone, without a girlfriend? Am I fourteen years old, and the only one without a date to the Homecoming dance? No, I am a grown man, who is trying ever so hard to deal with the uncertain feelings that I fight with every day of my life. Oh well....time to go back and wrestle with my mind today....

I hope you all have a great day and week...I know I am trying to as well...

Insecurity....or perhaps just me

So it was brought up about insecurity and how I probably live with it. I am not going to go deep into this subject, because frankly, my most insecure time of my life is behind me, and I do not wish to rehash so many memories- both good and bad at this time.

I was raised without knowing my father- yes, go figure, all the doctors say that can be a good reason for an adult having problems with insecurity. Hum bug I say...I was raised in a good home, and have never missed him at all. Hard to miss someone you never knew.

I have always trusted people, until you do me wrong. At that point, I have a very very difficult time forgiving or forgetting. I usually see myself stewing about what was done. It is horrible....I wish I could forget so much easier about being done wrong.

As far as relationships go, I have told myself once I am cheated on, I would walk away, but my fear of being alone usually takes over and I give in. Always letting the cheating factor be a point of argument. Usually so much so that it gets in the way of the relationship itself.

This past 3 months I have learned how to live by myself- not having that "significant other" in my life to lean onto. While I have learned about myself, I still do not feel whole at the end of the day. I still get lonely at times....Enough about this though, lets move on with the day....

I will have another post coming up, probably later today about the last week of my life and the issues that have come from them....

Link to Share Regarding BPD......

I want to share this link with everyone here. I do not have much time, but this is a very well written article regarding BPD. There is one tidbit that I want to quote personally, because well frankly....I feel that it goes along with my previous post perfectly....

"What defines borderline personality disorder — and makes it so explosive — is the sufferers' inability to calibrate their feelings and behavior. When faced with an event that makes them depressed or angry, they often become inconsolable or enraged. Such problems may be exacerbated by impulsive behaviors: overeating or substance abuse; suicide attempts; intentional self-injury."

Oh that paragraph hits too close to home. All too often have I had that moment when I have been inconsolable or enraged. I called it my anger and rage previously. I have to go, my mind is flooded with thoughts regarding this now....

I am sitting here reflecting on the moments that I can actually remember putting my loved ones into the "line of fire" It makes me sad now, I really was a monster....crap....

Time Magazine Article Regarding BPD

Feelings explained....

Guilt....it is a feeling that takes over your very existence. Guilt becomes anger, which becomes rage, and then you slip away into depression. It is HORRIBLE.

I feel guilty because I chose my last ex-gf and her son, over my daughter. In every aspect my daughter came second. The house- gone. The quality time- cannot be made up. I walked out and left her high and dry. My only saving grace is she is young enough, where I can make up to her. I do not regret the divorce, it needed to happen. It was needed to ensure my daughter can grow up with two happy parents, living seperately rather than unhappy and living together. Even my ex-wife agrees to this. The way that you go around things, speaks volumes about you. I was a selfish arrogant prick. I can admit that.

I wish I was not so blind. I wish I did not let a woman manipulate me, I will never forgive myself for my actions and putting my daughter second to her. I was more of a father for my ex-gf's son, than I was for my own flesh. Sad.....

So guilt turns to anger...it boils up and consumes you, you sit there questioning everything, mostly to yourself. This builds up and enter the rage. Rage is more outwardly......a funny look, a comment taken out of context, a simple thing just taken wrong. Ideas flowing in your head, nonstop, you cannot sleep, you cannot catch your breath. One day you wake up, the rage is mostly gone, replaced by depression. You don't care, you feel empty. You question your own existance.

Drinking is helping me with these....am I hiding behind booze? Possible, but for the moment, I do not have to feel so many different emotions at once. I can break them up and live outside of my reality, even if only for a brief drunken night. Cannot be the answer can it? No answers are not found in the bottom of a bottle, they are found because you face the truths. The are found because you are forced to confront the hard questions, and the brutal honesty, no matter how it can make you feel.

Perhaps the borderline diagnosis was correct, sure sounds like it. I have taken the online tests, and always get 100% for possible borderline......yet, I still try to live without the medications....because I am too weak? too scare? I am not sure, what my reasoning is.....perhaps I just want to be able to have a good time, and I felt too numb on the pills.....Probably the closest truth I have.....for now.......

I don't know if I will post more tonight or not...you go 3 months without posting and when you come back, you have so many built up thoughts, and emotions that you know you need to express it......somehow....my book of writings, only goes so far....I find myself rereading everything I have put in there, and then I relive the feelings...the emotions, the good and the bad....so lets see where this goes for now.......lets just keep taking this one day at a time.....

I know I am still.....

Suffering from borderline personality disorder. I read my previous post, and it almost sounded like I was claiming to be healed. I am not, I still find myself depressed at times, and rageful at times, it is just not as frequent as it was with my ex in my life. At some point, I know I am going to have to deal with ALL of this, but right now, I am trying to enjoy my life.

I still have horrible thoughts and feelings, but learning to deal with them, rather than use medications to block them out, I think is very important. Guess we will really see what time has to say about most of this stuff, as the holidays are coming and usually a time of year that people are moody, gloomy (winter).

Well to everyone out there in blogger world, thank you for dealing with me, and my ramblings, and hopefully we can move forward with good posts, and good feelings!!

Why do I.....

Well, it has been months......again, my sporadic posting really makes me wonder why anyone reads this.....oh wait a minute...they don't!!!

Since my last post, my life has changed 400%. My girlfriend and I broke up in September. She was withdrawing from me, and making it difficult to continue fighting for what we had. She had given up. I later found out that she had already moved on, before actually calling it quits. It really bummed me out, because I had given her plenty of options and plenty of chances to walk away and be done. Apparently she cannot walk away, without having someone ready to step in and take over. Suppose she cannot be alone.....I was hurt....I think I still am. For the mere fact that I know I gave up everything for her...literally...Oh well, such is life, you learn from mistakes and move on.

October brought my latest drinking binges. In an effort to find myself and be happy, I stopped my medications. I told my doctor I wanted to, and while he did not think it was a good idea, it is amazing how much different I feel. I always said that my ex had a lot to do with my needing anxiety medication and medication to calm me, and I think I was right. My moods don't swing much anymore, and I feel pretty good day in and day out. Downside....I have been drinking. Everyday. I have become the Cheers character "Norm" at the local bar. I know this is just a phase but, it helps to fill the void. My lack of friends really became apparent when we broke up, and I found myself just sitting around wondering all the time. I have made some friends at the bar, both guys and girls, and when I am there, I feel pretty good.

Now, we are in November....can you believe it, it is almost December.....where oh where did the year go. I really want to do better with this blog. I really want to reach out and have "blog friends" I have so much on my mind lately, that I feel I cannot share to most people. However an anonymous blog, I feel gives me the outlet, I probably need badly.

Well I hope this finds everyone reading well, and I look forward to posting some more, and giving an earnest effort here with my blog......

Today

I am back today, in a sense of the word. I went to a doctor today, and later when I have time, I will be posting about my visit. I will also do my best to respond to the comments below.

Thank you for joining me on my journey.

A new 2009

Yesterday I called for a new appointment with a new doctor. Oh how I hope he can bring some normalcy to my life. Oh how I hope he can help me overcome this rage, this anger, this depression, this general feeling that I have. I want to live my life. I want to be happy. I want so much, that I am prevented from having right now.

Borderline Personality Disorder? That sounds like me. The rage being one of the most important factors. Treatment? Same crap they have been doing, only using Haldol for the extremely bad cases of rage or anxiety that come on. Wow, that is what they give crazy people. Wow, maybe that is what I need.

Next week, I meet the new doctor. Next week, maybe I can start a new life..... Always next week, next time, next month......Tired of the next's.....

The beginning of the end....

I met a woman that was everything my wife was not. She was tiny, well groomed, materialistic, and what seemed to be down to earth. She was my rock during the first month or two of my separation.

We would have arguments, not unlike the ones that I had with my soon to be ex-wife. We blamed them on a lack of her willingness to communicate, the fact that I had to give my still wife a ton of money for bills, so our living arrangements were less than adequate.

Finally, I snapped. I remember screaming at her, in such a way that caused her to have a panic attack. I remember throwing shit across the front yard, and I remember how I don't remember. It was such a bizarre set of circumstances, that led up to it. They do not matter though, as there was no reason for my actions. So there I sat, in my car feeling like I had no control, no hope, nothing to fall back on. I walked into the emergency room. I didn't know if I was going to kill myself, or someone else, but I went somewhere where I couldn't.

I spent some time inpatient psych again. Only this time it was different. I was there on at least a 72 hour hold. Removed from friends and family, an hour away. When I finally met a doctor, after 5 minutes of writing in my chart, and reading what the counselors have written, low and behold, he claims I am bipolar. Zoloft and Depakote here I come.

Seriously? What in the hell did he know? What could he have possibly known about my situation. However, I took the meds as prescribed, figured it couldn't hurt. After my week stay at the fine accomadations of a psych hospital, I was released to continue with an outpatient program.

I had met a new doctor, one who would talk to me, and try to figure out what was happening, after a month of the Depakote, he said to try Zoloft and Klonopin to solve my problems. The bipolar issue did not exactly fit the bill that I had described as my life. So...I take this for a month, then two, whoa, wait a second, I FEEL THE EXACT SAME.

I can feel the rage overcome my body in moments of anger. I can feel the anxiety rush over me in uncertain moments. I still have dreams that involve, well....scary thoughts and actions.

I go to a new doctor, who spends approximately two minutes with me each visit. When I tell him the Zoloft and Klonopin make me feel no different, he ups my meds. Two months later, I repeat myself, he tells me there is nothing else he can do.......just continue to take the meds....

SERIOUSLY?

A fresh start maybe......

After the accident, I went through very hard times. Deep depression, that I cannot even place into words. I turned to my high school sweetheart to help me through this, and because of me being alone, so far away, we decided to get married.

My marriage was anything but bliss, because of my depresssion and hatred towards myself and pretty much everyone around me, I experienced pain as did my wife. From arguments to fights, to breaking things, to adultery, I was far from the ideal husband. Far from an ideal person.

Everything was blamed on the Marine Corps. I was not happy because of that, I was not happy for the day to day lifestyle I was forced to live. So when my discharge happened it should have been the happiest day of my life. For the most part, up until then, it was. We packed up our belongings and thought we would live in a normal civilian life like everyone else.

Fast forward again, this time four years. We have bought a house, two cars, a motorcycle, had a child, living the so-called American dream. Happiness, however was anything but a myth in our life. I was a recluse. Not wanting to venture out with my wife, not wanting to be with my wife. I blamed her, her lack of self-discipline for letting herself go. Her laziness around the house. Her lack of attention to me, to the family.

We fought so much. Money, bills, time spent together, stupid things, it didn't matter. Yet again, I blamed her. It wasn't my fault- it couldn't be my fault right? So, I gave up everything and left my wife. I thought it was just what I needed to move on with my life. What I needed to be happy. What my daughter needed for a good happy childhood. That she would be better off with two happy parents living apart, rather than an unhappily married family.

The beginning......

I knew I was different from everyone when I was in high school. The things I said, the way I acted, I knew that I had a different thought process than them. This blog is going to help me own up to my own life, and my own actions.

I am currently 28 years old. Divorced, father of 1. I had everything, and I have lost everything- so goes my story.....

When I was 15 years old, I was addicting to cocaine. I was the life of the party, it did not matter if it was, weed, cocaine, acid, nitrous- if it was a party drug, I was taking it. I soon ended up in a juvenile detention center, and spent month's on house arrest, complete with the ankle monitor that has become all so famous with Michael Vick. It was after the drugs, after the parties- that I realized, something was different.

I had a burning desire, now that I was sober to die. It wasn't a cry for attention that so many teenagers go through- it was something different. My school forced treatment before allowing me to return and it was then that I had my first experience with anti-depression medication. Wellbutrin is an interesting drug. It made it so I could not sleep, I was wired, and it made things worse I believe. I had an overwhelming feeling of being overwhelmed, this medication was not helping. So there I was, inside of an hospital seeking treatment, and I hung myself. I took my belt, which they neglected to remove from my personal property, and hung myself in the bathroom from the towel rack. I was found, face all red and blue and on the verge of passing out. I was almost dead, my wish had almost come true.

Fast forward three years. I am serving in the United States Marine Corps. Having not been on medication for years, having suffered and dealt with my own depression and worthlessness. My grades were below average, so my only choice was to enlist. I was in the Marine Corps for 9 months before something that forever changed my life took place. I was involved in a horrific one vehicle accident. I was driving my GMC Sonoma with my friend Jason and his fiance Ann back from the airport, on a rainy Halloween night. I lost control of the vehicle and we slid into the grass median, we slid for about 100 feet before the tires caught the grass, and we began to flip over. Myself and Ann were ejected from the vehicle. Jason was not that lucky. The vehicle landed on him, killing him instantly. I am able to sit here and say that I was lucky to have only broken my back in two places and twisted my leg around. I do not think I have ever recovered from this incident, nor do I think I ever will.