Feelings explained....

Guilt....it is a feeling that takes over your very existence. Guilt becomes anger, which becomes rage, and then you slip away into depression. It is HORRIBLE.

I feel guilty because I chose my last ex-gf and her son, over my daughter. In every aspect my daughter came second. The house- gone. The quality time- cannot be made up. I walked out and left her high and dry. My only saving grace is she is young enough, where I can make up to her. I do not regret the divorce, it needed to happen. It was needed to ensure my daughter can grow up with two happy parents, living seperately rather than unhappy and living together. Even my ex-wife agrees to this. The way that you go around things, speaks volumes about you. I was a selfish arrogant prick. I can admit that.

I wish I was not so blind. I wish I did not let a woman manipulate me, I will never forgive myself for my actions and putting my daughter second to her. I was more of a father for my ex-gf's son, than I was for my own flesh. Sad.....

So guilt turns to anger...it boils up and consumes you, you sit there questioning everything, mostly to yourself. This builds up and enter the rage. Rage is more outwardly......a funny look, a comment taken out of context, a simple thing just taken wrong. Ideas flowing in your head, nonstop, you cannot sleep, you cannot catch your breath. One day you wake up, the rage is mostly gone, replaced by depression. You don't care, you feel empty. You question your own existance.

Drinking is helping me with these....am I hiding behind booze? Possible, but for the moment, I do not have to feel so many different emotions at once. I can break them up and live outside of my reality, even if only for a brief drunken night. Cannot be the answer can it? No answers are not found in the bottom of a bottle, they are found because you face the truths. The are found because you are forced to confront the hard questions, and the brutal honesty, no matter how it can make you feel.

Perhaps the borderline diagnosis was correct, sure sounds like it. I have taken the online tests, and always get 100% for possible borderline......yet, I still try to live without the medications....because I am too weak? too scare? I am not sure, what my reasoning is.....perhaps I just want to be able to have a good time, and I felt too numb on the pills.....Probably the closest truth I have.....for now.......

I don't know if I will post more tonight or not...you go 3 months without posting and when you come back, you have so many built up thoughts, and emotions that you know you need to express it......somehow....my book of writings, only goes so far....I find myself rereading everything I have put in there, and then I relive the feelings...the emotions, the good and the bad....so lets see where this goes for now.......lets just keep taking this one day at a time.....